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Archive for December, 2006

Dec
29

CHICAGO BEAR FAN!!!

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…A Packer fan, a Viking fan and a Bear fan were all in
Saudi Arabia , sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi
police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe
offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime of actually being caught
consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully
appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a
Saudi National holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely
benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes
each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik
suddenly said, “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to
allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Viking fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about
this for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done,
but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Viking
fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was
done.

The Packer fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and
after watching the scene, said “All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back.
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through
again, sending the Packer fan out crying like a little girl.

The Bear fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he
could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, “You support the greatest
team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans
in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thanks, your most Roy al highness,” the Bear fan replies. “In recognition of
your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very
brave,” the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is
what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the
Sheik asks?????

“…Tie the Packer fan to my back!!!!! ”
 
…that being said;—Happy New Year to all of you!!

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Dec
20

FIVE LEVELS OF HANGOVERS

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FIVE LEVELS OF HANGOVERS
One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 diet cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 2:00 AM I HOP excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a guy walks by wearing cologne you gag because it reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke–yet you haven’t peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one leg and it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘Floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘Floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now…
*****

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
1.) Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn’t it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I’m being such a jackass.

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